What Kind of Relationship?

What Kind of Relationship?

Last night I was reading on one of my favourite forums about a discussion of whether buying and getting rid of books from a thrift store in which the buyer disagrees with the author and buys the book to remove it from the shelf. There was an interesting about whether that was censorship. Anyhow, James Dobson's book came up and the discussion diverted to whether his ideas were truly bad compared to Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo, under whose teachings babies on his feeding schedule have been diagnosed with Failure-to-Thrive and the AAP warns against following his book, Babywise. (

Since I have read his books and was raised by parents using them, I responded. Here are two links that I had found previously and below are my thoughts crystallized.

Here are a couple links of reviews with quotes of The New Dare to Discipline and The Strong-willed Child:
http://www.stoptherod.net/dobson.html
http://www.stoptherod.net/new-strong-willed.html

"Dobson views the 'relationship' between parents and children as adversarial. Which is the wrong place to start for building a relationship."

I wrote the above sentence and stopped, stunned by the thought, "What other relationship do we start on an adversarial basis?" If we started marriage out that way, it fails. With all the pre-nuptial agreements today and looking out numero uno, that is exactly what is happening. Couples start out with a "me first" and "me against you" mindset and wonder why their marriages go splat.

An idea fostered by many Western Christian preaching is that the marriage comes first, then children, and it establishes the parents against the children.

I firmly believe in meeting the needs of whoever's needs are most immediate and who has the least ability to wait. And when you are talking about a family, that would often be the baby. As children grow older, they learn to wait and take turns and to help and do things for themselves, but as babies, to consider them manipulative tyrants who wish to control their parents every move, well, that's quite a high expectation for a newborn who can't even control his hands (or realize he has hands!).

Considering the lack of attachment and commitment in many relationships today, it is not surprising to think of this coming from childhood. Western culture raises babies by detachment—with the mindset we must force babies and children to be independent. They sleep in their own rooms usually or nearly from birth, breastfeeding rates drops dramatically after 6 weeks, babies and children who cry from separation anxiety are aggravations and just need to learn to get over it. Rare are the parents who refuse to leave their babies and small children for overnights ‘away’.

We use isolation and punishment to ‘teach’* children—spanking has been the most popular ‘discipline’* method in the US in the last 100 years and violent crimes have exploded. Children practice what they learn—they do what they see—they say what they hear.

I am learning Gentle Discipline, but I have to guard my mouth. I make threats, “If you don’t ___, I’m gonna ____.” I’ve heard parents say, ‘If you don’t come, I’m gonna leave you.” (Threat of abandonment) and I’ve had to catch myself making a variation of that. I’m sure you can think of things said to you. What if your spouse said that to you? How would you think s/he felt about you? Would you be hurt, sad, angry? How do you think a child—who is dependent on you for everything—feels?

I firmly believe in grace—and extending it to my child—soon to be children—not just those around me. How often do we treat our children in ways we wouldn’t dream of dreaming anyone else?

I’ve said it before, but thank God for grace—He knows I need it! I’m still learning how to be graceful and act like Jesus.

*I use quotation marks because we are to teach and disciple—not punish, and punishment is not synonymous with discipline. Jesus didn’t beat the disciples when they didn’t get the simplest things about Him and the kingdom of Heaven.