The Secret Question---Answer #1!!!

My husband, (who is very clever and I love his sayings), said if he were a superhero, he'd keep it a secret. So I won't tell you that he is a superhero--just for taking care of his (very) emotional (at times), pregnant wife. I'll tell you instead that he's just an ordinary guy, nope, no superpowers (unless you count patience)!

The Mermaid Chair

Okay, I finished reading The Mermaid Chair--glad I didn't quit. I like analyzing things, why they touch me the way they do, how they shape my thinking, How it relates to what I feel, how it shows a slice, a little bit of a person that all people feel. Before I get to my main subject, I'll explain a little bit of how I see something and how I see that in my life.

Last week when I was at the hotel I was watching CMT (Country Music Television) [*gasp* I know, I like country music], and some is definitely dumb, some I just don't like, but there's one song by Trace Adkins, where he sings, I sing country music because it's “Songs about me, who I am, where I'm from." And there was a song "Don't Make me Let You Go" or "Don't Make Me Stop Loving You." The couple has an argument and she leaves angry and wanders the streets while he sings and aches and misses her and decides to go after her, and she misses him and wants to come back, and the video ends with him standing just inside the door and pulling his hand away from the doorknob, and she’s standing outside staring at the doorknob and drops her hand.

They're so close to finding each other, to forgiveness, and they stop just at the edge, and I ached for them, but not just for them but for how many people who live like that, who long to reach out to their loved ones, and at the very edge, they pull back, while on the other side, someone is longing, loving, waiting for them? It echoes inside me.

I hold back and pull away. I stop reaching out. It's easier to be self-contained; it's less risky to love. I recall a quote from C.S. Lewis, "If you don't want to be hurt, don't love anything, not even an animal."

But what are we made for if not to love, to reach out?

Of course, we'll be hurt; this world is fallen, but oh, the joy of finding love, of touching someone else, of making a difference. The simple pleasure in doing something just for someone else, be it washing dishes or making breakfast or taking time to look into someone's eyes and just love them. There is joy in connecting with another person. I had a friend who was trying to describe how something made him feel, and he wished aloud that he could just download the feeling to another person like we take a computer disc and put it in the hard drive and can access everything on it.

I know the feeling of wanting to say something, of feeling so deep that there just aren't words. My best friend and I used to say we felt like imploding or exploding, just so much inside that you can't contain it, and you'd just fall in upon yourself. Beauty makes me feel that way, something so beautiful, so big, so grand, so much that you swell with it and can't contain it, and you grow and take part of it inside you, and it's all around you.

I think in a way that's how God is. He's so great, so mighty, so holy, so beautiful, so infinite, that our finite minds would practically disintegrate if we saw Him as we are. Our sinfulness, not necessarily our human-ness keeps us from Him. Yes, we are sinful because we are human, now. But before the Fall, humanness didn’t keep us from being in God’s presence. But we are not what we once were. We are longing for Eden, for the way things ought to be. We know intuitively, instinctively, that we are not meant to be like this, broken, hurting, fallen, suffering. We long for more, for that deepness, that knowing, the day that Paul speaks of, when I shall be know as I am known (1 Corinthians 13:12).

Yay, another post finally!

Okay, so back by demand, all right, so two of my friends, (loyal readers, yay) said they were checking my blog for new posts.

I'm just not really great at it. There's not usually too much to say. Of course if I were reading more serious stuff than fiction, I'm getting bored of reading, (it's winter, can you tell? good grief, if I'm bored of reading, erg).

I do have something, we have a church we are attending regularly (in a deep voice). It's Century Baptist. I really like it. The pastor's been sorta preaching on The Great Omission by Dallas Willard, which I'd checked out his The Divine Conspiracy and never go around to reading, too many books! I mean 'sorta' by he doesn't preach the book, he preaches Scripture, which make a world of difference. I think talking about books that are influencing your spiritual walk are good, but to base an entire sermon on a book not the Bible is a little iffy.

But he preaches from John 15, the "Abiding" chapter, and it's been good. We've got a Bible study group tonight that we'll be going to the first time. I'm pretty excited.

I've been swimming at least once a week, the last three weeks, which feels really great! My back and sides get pretty sore at night, so I'm already getting used to not getting sleep, ugh!

I did enjoy reading Lisa Wingate's Drenched in Light, lovely title, 3rd in a series, but I didn't realize that! The main character struggled with bingeing and purging and trying to fit and making a difference in her job as a middle school counselor. Loved it. Going to read the first two. Also read Anita Shreve's Where or When and Sue Monk Kidd's The Mermaid Chair, both about women dissatisfied with their marriages, well, the former is more about the man, tragic ending, and the other is more about the woman, but if they put as much energy into marriage as they do in sustaining an affair, their marriages would be better. It's very annoying, kind of a "I just don't feel like working at this, and I'm unhappy, so, oh, this looking interesting, I'm gonna try it out, since I'm looking for my self" mentality. Utterly selfish. Of course, I've only been married 15 months, so I'm a naive newlywed. HA! Marriage takes work, as does anything worth anything.

And lest anyone think that I think all separations/divorces are completely selfish, let me say for the record, if a person is being abused, mentally, verbally, physically, sexually, GET OUT OF THERE. Separating should be part of working with the abuser to decide to change. And getting back together should happen when the abuser has proven him/herself trustworthy and is in counseling.

Anyway, and that's my short version because it's lunch and I need to feed my hungry man!